Tldr I hate myself and I deserve to feel that way. Skip over to some other shit I made when I was happy for a couple hours

I get defensive when you bring up family. And I like to remind myself that anyone of them could die in my arms and I would feel no emotions. You being the only exception. But I started wondering: I'm not angry at the people I'm thinking of, so why am I thinking of their death? Not that I want it to happen to them, but why is it the first place my mind goes every time family is brought up. I think about the fact that I'm being defensive about it even when nobody really brings it up. And I realized, I think my brain has been trained to reject family because of everything I went through. And as a result I am mentally and physically repulsed by the mere concept of family. That's a problem. It explains a lot but that's a problem. And an even bigger problem to add on to that: I don't have any desire to fix it. Because no matter how much therapy I do and how much medicine I take, in the end I still hate myself and firmly believe that I deserve to feel this way. Is that factually true? No. Of course I don't deserve to feel this way. Does that make logical sense to me? For some reason no. And I don't know where to start to convince myself that I don't deserve this. Which means I don't know where to start on not being repulsed by family. Which means I am going to feel this way forever. There is no surgery I can get to just change the chemicals in my brain that conduct emotions these ways. Mental illnesses poison me even worse. What's logical to someone else, may be the most retarded thing I've ever heard. And I don't understand so I get angry. I'm sure at some point in my life I won't feel this way. But to ask me to change that, as much as I'd like to, I firmly believe it is impossible. I am in hell. My body is hell. My mind is hell. And nobody is ever going to understand even if they went through similar shit. Nothing will change for me. I like to think that in at least 10 long years Ill be happy, but the concept is so foreign I doubt it. And it definitely won't happen soon. I would love to be proven wrong but until then there is no hope 

Gif unrelated

I shotgun blasted diarrhea at work today with so much force that it jetted back all over my ballsack so I had to wipe my balls and asshole.

Every couple months the man, the myth, the mantits, the legend, returns to newgrounds in search of his missing chromosome. Only to find that he had plenty extra chromosomes laying around in his mom's basement. The thick jaw, no balls, pissed off, dick small, heartbroken, ego stroking, bootyhole open, 35 year old, buried alive in mold man. Take your pills boy, you give me chills boy. You're so mentally ill boy. You fucking, Mist he was an average kid, and no one understands. Mom can smell his dickcheese all the way from her basement. You fat man. Oooh fat man said Stewie Griffin when he saw you bitchin in your mom's kitchen on your phone, all alone, in your head nobody's home, you fucking nasty boy. Nasty boy asking for dick pics, from six kids, why you're dick itch? Nobody fucks you. And you could still manifest pure concentrated herpes all over that constant aching jerky you call a penis. Your mom must be from Venus cuz she spawned just the meanest alien. Ain't no way you human. That man ain't human, that dick ain't human, that chin ain't human, and neither is the third one, you smell like a turd son. Up on discord asking little boys if they bootyhole squirt son. Why you still out of work son? How do you afford them cum stained toys, when you still unemployed, and your dad said land ahoy when he went to get the milk on another island. Look at your eyelids, always half down but not as far down as your syndrome. You rent out the crack of your ass to ants so that you can say some living thing was in your pants, make shitty music and can't even dance. Unless it's the truffle shuffle. You fuckin truffle shuffle, suckin butthole, sonic and knuckles, bubble bobble, poppin bottles, next to your anime girl 3d models, full throttle, overweight axolotl, ass boy.

SomecallmeJohnnySins

You're telling me after Mary got creampied by God's big long ghost cock, she squirted a baby out of her birthginahole and this man who just got cucked by sky Santa willingly raised the child? Joseph was a fucking simp

Last time I gave birth, it just came out looking like strawberry banana smoothie covered in lasagna noodles. I named him Bryce

My manager has giant tits and she was super close behind me but I didn't realize. And when I turned around she scared me by going RAHH and I flick my arms up like I have tourettes, thus causing me to end up slapping her enormous milk melons

Moral of the story

Don't scare me or I'll slap your titties

Does anyone know what happened to palkoark? Every social media they had is gone

There is no hope, no love, no cure 

Everything traces back to abusers 

You will never be happy and you fucking deserve it 

You fucking cunt, slash your legs, keep crying 

Mommy doesn't want to send the police on the holiday

Despair doesn't miraculously disappear on special days 

If miracles were possible, then I would already be dead 

And you would be cleaning my brain off the bed

Haunted by the stench of my misplaced anger

Why can't I cut myself, let me be numb 

You're preventing my comfort for the sake of your own

I will never get help screaming at stone walls

I promise nobody in public would even see my wounds 

Because only cowards do it for attention

I can't masturbate, I can't eat, I can't live 

So why do you prevent my only option of relief

All I have done is take you for granted

You should feel that I deserve this

I am a danger to myself, motherfucker

Due to my inability to be a danger to others

Do you know how relieving it would be 

To hurt everyone that isn't me 

To be the next active shooter 

To be the most feared serial killer

To finally experience screams of terror 

That are not confined to my brain and ears

I am the only one haunted by the screams 

The maniacal thoughts spewing insults at me 

Obviously, no one can here my mind screeching

If they were screaming themselves, maybe they'd understand

But I can't do it, and I can't force you to get it at all

Because in the back of my irrational head I know that's wrong

And so I put out my hateful thoughts in a song 

The entire time, basing my lyrics on irrational thoughts

And as I read it back, I see myself calling everyone evil

I see hurtful words directed at all the wrong people

I see hatred directed towards myself, it's not right

You don't think I know that? 

Of course I don't deserve to die

And neither does anyone else

Of course I didn't deserve my abuse 

No fucking shit 

My heart is aware of these things, running on humanity 

But my brain refuses to accept it, running on irrationality

And so my heart and my brain are always fighting 

My body is a battlefield, and I wish I could find peace 

I'm trying so hard to get help

Find peace and end this hell

But the option that seems the easiest

To nuke it all away with my death

I have the most accessible way to find peace surrounding me 

The easiest way out, but I have more shit to do in life, you see

So I take the hardest option, find help and remain alive

Not for me, not for anyone, I just have shit to do down the line